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[Open on the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, post-book 5. (Hint: if you haven't read that far, STOP READING THIS NOW.) Remus Lupin and Harry Potter sit at a table; Harry is working on one of Mrs. Weasley's excellent meals. A pause.]

HARRY: Say, um, Professor L -- I mean, ah, Rem -- Lu -- What should I call you?

REMUS: [chuckle] "Remus" is just fine, Harry. What do you need?

HARRY: Well, I was wondering, could you... I mean, I've been thinking... I want to hear about my dad. And my mom, and S-Sirius, and what everyone was like in school.

REMUS: Are you sure about that?

HARRY: Yeah. Yeah, I am. I want to know more about them. ... Good and bad.

REMUS: Well, all right. As it happens I was just reminiscing about my life twenty years ago...

[As Remus begins to spin a story for Harry, we fade into a flashback to 1975, when the Marauders were all fifth-year students, in their prime mischief-making years... On that note, we cue the music.]

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[Fade in on the Marauders, sitting under the shade of a nice non-threatening tree at lunch time. James Potter has his broomstick next to him. Remus Lupin looks preoccupied and a little depressed. Sirius Black is cheerfully telling Peter Pettigrew some story, waving his arms in a series of grandiose gestures.]

JAMES: [spoken, abruptly] You know what? I'm sick of people putting us down all the time. Just because we play a few pranks every now and then, does that mean we're bad people?

REMUS: [spoken] Yup.

SIRIUS: [spoken] Oh, yeah.

PETER: [spoken] Probably.

JAMES: [spoken] You know, you're not helping at all.

[Jocko Homo/Devo]

JAMES: They tell us that we all are fools
We won't survive out of this school
I say it's us who soon will rule
Are we not men?

ALL: We're Marauders
M-A-R-A-U-D-E-R

JAMES: [spoken] But I just don't understand why our reputation is so bad!

REMUS: [spoken] I have an idea.

JAMES: [spoken] Yeah?

[Smoke on the Water/Deep Purple]

REMUS: Smoke bombs in classrooms
And Dungbombs in the sky
Plus itching hexes

JAMES: [spoken] Okay, good point.

SIRIUS: [spoken] Hey, somethin' wrong, Remus?

[Sex (I'm a...)/Berlin]

JAMES: (We are men)

REMUS: I'm a wolf

JAMES: (We are men)

PETER: Well, I'm a rodent

JAMES: (We are men)

SIRIUS: I'm a big black dog

JAMES: (We are men)
[looks up, distractedly] Am I next?

SIRIUS: (We are men)

JAMES: I'm a stag

SIRIUS: (We are men)

JAMES: But who really cares

PETER, SIRIUS, JAMES: When we hang out together
Hey, hey, hey!

[Sirius leans over and grabs Remus's shoulder, grinning widely. Remus rolls his eyes and grins back.]

[Hey Jude/The Beatles]

SIRIUS: Moon, don't feel so bad
Take your sad song and make it better
Remember we'll always be here for you
Then you can start to make it
Better, better, better, better, better, better, yeah!

[Sirius looks to James for support -- but James has leapt to his feet and started hitting on Lily Evans, who has just passed by the tree.]

[L.A. Woman/The Doors]

JAMES: Prefect woman
You're my woman
Got my broomstick risin'
Mister Broomstick risin'
[Lily snatches James's broomstick out of his hand]
Hey!

[Lily bashes James over the head with his own broomstick, snapping it in half. James very slowly keels over backward, unconscious. The remaining Marauders crack up at this. Sirius grabs James's glasses and puts them on, ruffling his hair before turning to Lily.]

[In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida/Iron Butterfly]

SIRIUS: In the garden of Hogwarts, honey
Don'tcha know that I love you
In the garden of Hogwarts, baby
[shrugs] Well, at least 'til I meet someone new

[This sends Remus and Peter into further gales of laughter. Even Lily rewards Sirius with a small grin. Meanwhile, across the garden, Lucius Malfoy encounters his friend and fellow Slytherin Severus Snape, who has his wand out and a scowl on his face.]

[Hey Joe/Jimi Hendrix]

LUCIUS: Hey Snape, where ya goin' with that wand in your hand?
Hey Snape! Where ya goin' with that wand in your hand?

SNAPE: Gonna curse the Marauders [fires a hex at Sirius]
Caught 'em messin' 'round with another plan

[Apparently, Sirius has been hit with some sort of yodeling hex. He launches into about eight measures of yodeling before shaking off the spell. By this time Snape has stalked angrily over to the Marauders' chosen tree and James has regained consciousness.]

[Burning Down the House/Talking Heads]

SNAPE: [to James] One day you'll regret your pranks [points at Sirius] and your doggy too

LILY: [spoken] What's going on here?

SNAPE: [spoken] Back off, you damn Mudblood.

JAMES: [spoken] Don't call her that, you lousy --

[Lily puts her hand out in front of James, smiling faintly.]

[Hot Blooded/Foreigner]

LILY: I'm Mudblooded, check it and see
Not an ounce of wizard blood is in me
But let's see you find a spell I can't cast
I'm Mudblooded, Mudblooded

[Snape sneers and turns away from her, only to find Sirius glaring at him from only a few inches away.]

SNAPE: [spoken] Get lost.

SIRIUS: [spoken] You get lost.

[Every Breath You Take/Police]

SNAPE: Every breath you take

SIRIUS: Every move you make

SNAPE: Every vow you break

SIRIUS: Every step you take

BOTH: I'll be hating you

[Everyone else is ignoring Snape and Sirius. James is on his knees in front of a very skeptical-looking Lily.]

[Should I Stay Or Should I Go/The Clash]

JAMES: Darling, you gotta tell me true
Do I have a chance with you?
If you tell me to go straight
Well, I won't even hesitate
I'll do anything for you, woo-woo-woo
If you say you love me too

[Lily merely touches James's head with her wand, soaks him from head to toe with a quick spell, and walks away. James groans and slumps in the shade of the tree. Remus and Sirius sit and watch in amusement. (Snape has wandered off to sulk.) Peter tries to offer a few words of encouragement.]

[Jumping Jack Flash/Rolling Stones]

PETER: Well, at least this time
You didn't get slapped

SIRIUS: But it's all right
Maybe it's best you don't reproduce

[James suddenly sits up straight, pounding the ground.]

[My Generation/The Who]

JAMES: People always put us down

SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER: (Talkin' 'bout the four Marauders)

JAMES: Just because we joke around

SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER: (Talkin' 'bout the four Marauders)

JAMES: Playin' those pranks on everyo-o-one

SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER: (Talkin' 'bout the four Marauders)

JAMES: Hope I never stop havin' fun

SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER: (Talkin' 'bout the four Marauders)

JAMES: 'Cause we are the Marauders

SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER: (Talkin' 'bout the four Marauders)

JAMES: Yeah, we are the Marauders, baby

SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER: (Talkin' 'bout the four Marauders)

JAMES: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER: (Talkin' 'bout the four Marauders)

ALL: The four Marauders
Well, we'll always be the M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Marauders!
HEY!

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[Back to 12 Grimmauld Place. Remus finishes up his story.]

HARRY: Wow. [pause] You guys were pretty weird, weren't you?

REMUS: Yes. Yes, we were.

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