Hogwarts Polka
a parody of "Polka Party!" by "Weird Al" Yankovic
written by Shay Caron
based on the Harry Potter series, which belongs to J.K. Rowling
first in the Do You Believe In Polka? series

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[Open on your friend and mine, Harry Potter, sitting in an empty
 classroom and looking a bit depressed. Behind him, the ghost of James
 Potter appears and begins singing, unnoticed (at least consciously)
 by his son.]

[Sledgehammer/Peter Gabriel]
JAMES: Your parents are proud of you
       We've been watching over you for so long
       Now you've seen a ghostly stag, glowing
       Harry, you can call me "Prongs"
       I wanna be... your Patronus
       Why don't you call me out?
       Ah! Oh, let me be your Patronus
       I can finally protect you now... now!

[James vanishes as a slightly more cheerful Harry notices Ron Weasley
 enter the room, along with a few other students. Harry grins at him
 and turns to us.]

[Sussudio/Phil Collins]
HARRY: There's a girl that's been on his mind
       All the time
       Her-Hermione

[Ron immediately launches into a litany of denials as Harry continues
 -- "No way! Never! I don't know where you heard that, but it's a
 lie!" etc.]

HARRY: Oh-oh!
       Now those two argue every day
       But I think she likes him anyway
       Yeah, Hermione...

[Ron stops his ranting, mouth agape and ears red, then asks, "You
 really think so?"]

HARRY: Whoa-oh!

[Ron recovers from his surprise and begins singing himself. Everyone
 else in the room has noticed them and is watching with interest.]

[Party All the Time/Eddie Murphy]
RON: But my girl wants to
     Study all the time, study all the time, study all the time
     My girl wants to study all the time
     Study all the time
     It really is a crime

[Harry and Ron finally notice that Hermione Granger has entered when
 she puts them in a double headlock. She tries to look mad at Ron, but
 her grin gives her away.]

[Say You, Say Me/Lionel Richie]
HERMIONE: Potter, Weasley
          And Granger always
          That's the way it should be
HARRY: There's me
RON: And me
HERMIONE: And me together
TRIO: Naturally

[Abruptly Draco Malfoy and his entourage (Crabbe and Goyle, of course)
 burst in. Malfoy is grinning lecherously and making eyes at every
 girl he passes. He seems to think he's Bachelor of the Year or some
 nonsense like that.]

[Freeway of Love/Aretha Franklin]
MALFOY: Hey, let's go riding on my broomstick of love
CRABBE, GOYLE: (He's a million volts)
MALFOY: Girls, let's go riding on my broomstick of love
CRABBE, GOYLE: (It's a new Firebolt)

[The trio glare at Malfoy, who rewards them with his trademark smirk.]

[What You Need/INXS]
HARRY: More like... a twig...
RON: Ohhh, that's right... 
HERMIONE: I would not go near you in a thousand years!

[Malfoy snarls at the trio. Harry leaps forward and he and Malfoy
 almost start a fistfight, but Professor Dumbledore Apparates into the
 room and pulls them apart.]

[Harlem Shuffle/The Rolling Stones]
DUMBLEDORE: [very cheerfully] Ja, ja, ja, do the Hogwarts polka
            Everybody now!
ALL: [some with more enthusiasm than others] Ja, ja, ja, do the
     Hogwarts polka

[Abruptly a Golden Snitch flies past Harry, who grabs it reflexively.
 Quidditch commentator Lee Jordan pokes his head in, followed by Ginny
 Weasley and Colin Creevey.]

[Venus/Shocking Blue]
LEE: He's caught it
     Yeah, baby, he's caught it
     Well, he's their Seeker
GINNY: No one's hotter
COLIN: Hooray for Potter!

[Professors McGonagall and Snape enter, deep in an argument.]

[Nasty/Janet Jackson]
MCGONAGALL: Nasty! Slytherins are just so cruel
            Oh, you Slytherins
SNAPE: Nasty! Gryffindors ignore the rules
       Oh, you Gryffindors

[Ex-Professor Lockhart wanders in, pursued by several lovestruck
 women, including Ron and Ginny's mother, Molly Weasley.]

RON: I hate this part.

[Rock Me Amadeus/Falco]
MOLLY: [swooning] Oooh! Rock me, Gilderoy!
HERMIONE: [giggling] Oooh! Rock me, Gilderoy!
RON: [sarcastically] Oooh. Rock me, Gilderoy.
LOCKHART: [obviously confused] Who?

[Hagrid joins the group, holding a large piece of parchment in his
 hand.]

[Shout/Tears for Fears]
HAGRID: Food! Toys! A house in the weeds
        These are the things that my new pet needs
        Come on, we've gotta go shop
        Come on

[Harry stands in the center of the room, in preparation for the final
 number.]

[Papa Don't Preach/Madonna]
HARRY: Oh, Dumbledore, please, I'm in trouble deep
       Dumbledore, please, I've been losing sleep
       But I've made up my mind
       I'm gonna keep fighting
       I've gotta keep on fighting
TRIO: We've gotta keep on fighting!
OTHER STUDENTS: (Keep on fighting)
TEACHERS: (Keep on fighting)
MALFOY, CRABBE, GOYLE: [with no enthusiasm at all] (Keep on fighting)
ALL: Hey!

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Hogwarts Polka
http://www.forresterlabs.com/fanfiction/HarryPotter/HogwartsPolka/
2003-06-19 -- Completed

> Next in the Series: Angry Wizard Polka